There are two ways you can make this, one is vegetarian friendly, the other is not.

First fry an entire head of garlic, three birds eye chillis, an inch of gigner, one to three onions (depends how many you're cooking for), and a teaspoon and a half each of black onion seeds, mustard seeds, cumin and star anise.

Use a cup of red lentils per person (I use non soak but whatever), and once the above are nicely fried add the lentils and cover with water then boil for ten minutes. Add two chicken stock cubes or some salt and rice vinegar (white wine or cider vinegar will do instead) if feeding vegetarians. Then its a good shake of clove powder (or two whole ones), garamasala, two cardamon seeds, cinamon, nutmeg and ginger (yes more of it). Finally add a handfull of chopped fresh coriander, half when cooking and half sprinkled on top once served or shake in a lot of the dried stuff if that's all you have. Simmer until lentils more or less liquidised.

1. There are crumbs in your bed cos lets face it you don't live in a showhome. What kind of cookies do those crumbs come from?

Jaffa Cakes.

2. You are sitting on the toilet brushing your teeth cos you are hungover as normal. What got you that drunk?

Mead.

3. You have been dumped cos well, lets face it .. you are a loser. What comfort food do you grab? (after sticking pins in a voodoo doll obviously)

I probably cook something spicy, or a cake, or both , and then feed it to my friends.

4. Your wife/husband has pissed you off (that means angry in the US by the way ... not watersports) so you decide to go have an expensive gourmet meal on his/her credit card. What do you order?

Something East Asian.

5. Sitting in church (waiting for the lightning to strike you) and you have a book/magazine tucked inside the hymn sheet. What is it?

Private Eye.

I tag Abilene, Sweetymon, Mrs_F, beautiful_mistake and Meno